Support for the family around relationship breakdown

We at Mills & Reeve ran a YouGov survey raising questions around couples’ attitudes and beliefs around relationships and their breakdown.

In our survey, we asked a wide range of questions including about family therapy and parenting courses. Of particular interest:

• 66.1% thought that it would be useful to attend parenting courses that aim to promote successful co-parenting and protect children against some of the harmful effects of parental conflict
• 69.5% thought that it would be useful to attend family therapy – where parents can discuss how to improve family relationships after separation and how they can co-parent together in the future

Please find below some quotes and insights from specialists we work with responding to these results:

Annmarie Carvalho, Therapist and Director of The Carvalho Consultancy 

Family therapy can be vital in promoting understanding between a former couple and in keeping the thread of communication going in really trying times. If the scene has already been set for such communication through the couple attending a parenting course earlier on in the relationship then so much the better. Therapeutic input should be a thread running through the whole life of a relationship including its breakdown if it, sadly, ends.

Jane Goodstone, Counsellor and Psychotherapist MSc (Counselling and Psychotherapy) MBACP

It's really encouraging to see how many people recognise the benefits of seeking therapy to deal with difficult life circumstances. Whether it be accessing family, couples or individual therapy when relationships break down, therapy can help clients navigate what may seem impossible at the outset. It can enable clients to see others’ perspectives, improve communication and help set important boundaries, allowing those involved to move forward in a more positive and constructive way. 

Adele Ballantyne MA Relationship Therapy Director and principal therapist, Eleda Consultancy

When couples separate, especially when they have children together, it is often one of the most traumatic times in all their lives.

Seeking the right help at the right time is crucial if parents wish to negotiate and succeed in the transition to child-centred co-parenting.

Separation involves financial, child-related, and legal decisions which are usually made at a time when emotions are running high. Aiding parents to work through their feelings after their relationship has broken down means that they are more able to make those important decisions effectively.

The impact on children when their parents divorce is well documented.
Research tells us that it is parental conflict, and not necessarily the separation itself that is harmful to the emotional, and in the long-term physical, wellbeing of children.

I would urge any parent embarking on separation to consider the value of undertaking early therapeutic intervention, in order that they can achieve a more successful outcome for their family.

Louise Tyler, Counsellor MBACP (Accred.) Registered Member

If the relationship ultimately can’t be saved, then counselling can help couples negotiate a new future with calmness, clarity and respect. This is particularly important when children are involved. There will inevitably be anxiety, sadness, and anger along with emotional, practical and financial upheaval for the whole family unit. Sessions with a counselling mediator can help you to:

• Make sure children don’t become caught up in the crossfire by identifying all the issues that will affect them and finding ways to resolve these that are in THEIR best interest.
• Minimise hurt and hostility by helping everyone to make sense of what has happened, take responsibility, understand each other’s practical needs and try to come to a workable solution.
• Help negotiate clearly defined, tolerable channels of communication when this has all but broken down.
• Find some sense of closure and define a new way of being in each other’s lives in relation to the children, new partners and extended family.

Children and teenagers face so many external pressures from our 24/7 social media dominated world, that it’s more important than ever that home life provides a calm and safe environment, both physically and emotionally. 

Even if parents are finding it hard to move past resentments involving each other, counselling can help them find ways to keep things calm in front of the children and think in terms of their best interests. I often ask warring couples ‘How would you feel if your child was being bullied at school’? The instinct is inevitably to intervene in order to protect them. So why wouldn’t they similarly do everything in their power to protect their offspring from emotional harm emanating from home life? 

At the end of the day, relationships can inevitably end for many reasons. Therapy can give all parties space to process and tools to cope, to avoid the sense of everything falling apart.

Julie de Ruiter, Divorce Coach, Family Law Supervisor, and Psychotherapeutic Counsellor

In my experience, one of the most beneficial aspects of a family intervention is the offering of a neutral, safe space with an impartial third party/professional present. 

The space, away from the home environment, can allow for an open dialogue where difficult conversations and subsequent ruptures can be explored with some of the emotions contained and managed by the therapist. 

It can offer the opportunity to explore values, beliefs, difficult thoughts and situations with space facilitated for both parents to be heard equally, aiding open communication whilst promoting understanding to resolve historical conflict and differences aiding a positive co-parenting relationship.

My aim is to foster respect, whilst trying to build on shared strengths and resilience. All of the work is undertaken with the awareness that the child/children and their wellbeing are at the forefront of my delivery. 

Parental courses and their input might very possibly overlap with parts of the above. I think courses are and will be designed to be more general and educational aimed as a group experience rather than a couple's experience as with the therapy input I have outlined above.

Nichole Farrow, Relationship and Family Coach

Divorce carries costs beyond the financial; the emotional toll and long-term damage can be profound for everyone involved, particularly children. However, staying in an unhappy marriage can be far more harmful than choosing an amicable divorce. We live in an unprecedented era where we are the first generation to experience widespread divorce, yet we have access to more information and resources than ever before, thanks to the internet. This gives us, as parents, a unique opportunity to be cycle breakers—to navigate separation in healthier ways than previous generations.

Today, with countless support options available and an increasing awareness of the impacts of toxic relationships, co-parenting, and divorce, there is no excuse to handle it poorly. At the end of the day, you remain a family, even if it looks different than before. It is crucial to seek the right support to ensure everyone moves forward positively and healthily. As role models for our children, it is our responsibility to demonstrate what healthy relationships look like—whether we are married, co-parenting, or blending families.

Sarah Steele, Divorce Coach & Accredited Sarah Davison Master Practitioner Coach

It was encouraging that the figures demonstrate, by a majority of the parents, that they would benefit from parenting courses and family therapy.

As a divorce coach, I believe  (age appropriate) it's imperative for the child to have a voice and feel that mediation/family therapy gives them a chance to be heard in a safe and non-judgmental environment.
I feel strongly that although children do not need to know the  'gritty' details of a divorce, they deserve to be kept informed as to how it will affect them: e.g. what their new reality looks like, where will they live, how will their time be split between parents etc. 

This is something that I encourage my clients to do, as it reduces the child's fear of the unknown and anxiety.

I feel that parents who participate in mediation or work with a divorce coach, are more open to building a foundation for a newly shaped relationship, as ' functionally friendly'  parents moving forward. 

The welfare of the children of a separating or divorcing couple is front and centre, and I feel that it's far better for parents to resolve issues relating to the children, especially if there is conflict in the parents' relationship through mediation, family therapy or a divorce coach.

Divorce doesn't have to damage children, parents are their role models and they will follow their lead, so it's vital that parents receive the necessary support, to feel emotionally regulated, to feel in control, and are given the tools and techniques, to learn to respond and not react to reduce any conflict moving forward.

This is a subject very close to my heart, and I'm passionate about ensuring my clients get the right support to be the best parents moving forward in their new reality.

Maryam Meddin, The Soke Foundation

There remains amongst some a notion of therapy being all about self-indulgent naval gazing, but the reality is that the process is far more pragmatic and outcome-focused than this old fashioned cliche would have you believe. The consciousness that comes from giving voice to thoughts and feelings that may have never before been expressed aloud cannot be overemphasised - it can lead to reasoned conversations that would rarely be possible outside the therapeutic setting, ultimately resulting in eureka moments that can often have a transformative quality. 

Similarly, when it comes to couples or family therapy, a facilitated setting that enables participants to express themselves in a 'safe space' and hear the other(s) do the same can be an invaluable mechanism through which to evolve arguments into dialogue, eventually leading to a collaborative approach to finding a mutually agreeable resolution. Whilst therapy will almost always need to look into the near or distant past to create context and understanding for the present, its goal should always be to positively impact the future.

If domestic abuse (DA) has been a feature of the relationship please bear in mind that therapeutic intervention may not be right for your family.

Paula DeVaux, Domestic Abuse Specialist Trainer & Consultant

I would not encourage anyone in an abusive relationship to seek any form of counselling with their partner. Abuse is not a relationship or family problem – it is all about the use of power and control, with the responsibility sitting firmly with the perpetrator. A crucial element of any type of family therapy would be that those facilitating/ mediating are trained in Domestic Abuse and Coercive Control to an appropriate level. 

It is essential that professionals working with families are able to recognise the signs, symptoms and tactics of abuse and recognise when perpetrators are using opportunities like this to continue to exert power and control. It is also very important for us as professionals to recognise the impact of trauma and dysregulation that victims experience. With victims of DA we are talking about patterns of behaviour over a period of time, so these are never one-off/ isolated incidents. As such we are talking about complex trauma. It will be hugely dysregulating for victims of DA to feel forced to sit in a room with their perpetrators and it is paramount that we guard against repeat victimisation. 

Insight and understanding of perpetrator tactics of power and control are critical for professionals to be trained in, as they will use the same tactics on us as professionals if we are not alert to their behaviour, language and strategies – all designed to control and manipulate situations for their own benefit. Risk assessing also stands out to me as a key element of any such family therapy given how quickly risk can increase in DA cases (there will be many instances I am certain where DA is not a primary presenting factor, but quickly becomes apparent in such interventions). If perpetrators feel like they are losing control or their position is being challenged, this can very quickly escalate to finality thinking.

The total sample size was 2004 adults, 809 of which were adults based in England and Wales who were either married or in a civil partnership. Fieldwork was undertaken between 19-22 January 2024. The survey was carried out online. The figures have been weighted and are representative of all GB adults (aged 18+).