"Netflix and Chill” – How film and binge-watching can impact your understanding of domestic abuse

Language is ever-evolving and we all know that words can be very powerful.  Actions which may have been commonplace a few years ago may now be considered inappropriate, perhaps without realising.  Have you ever wondered if your words and actions meet the new understandings of domestic abuse? Or how film and TV series can help you understand how insidious domestic abuse can be?

I, with my team, have considered our top films and TV programs which you might want to add to your watchlist.

Gaslighting

I know, I know, the film and play ‘Gaslight’ is old with the play being written in 1938 and then turned into a film in the 1940s.  This is, I believe, the origin of the modern term ‘gaslighting’ which is a form of psychological abuse where you gain power and control over your partner by twisting their sense of reality to make them question their own sanity.

Another excellent example of tackling the insidious nature of gaslighting was the Rob Titchener and Helen Archer storyline in The Archers.  I also remember this topic being sensitively dealt with in Holby City within a same sex relationship which is a different slant to some of the traditional representations of abusive relationships.

Love-bombing

The term ‘love-bombing’ first came to the fore in the 1970s when describing how cults lured members in by making them feel needed and cared for.  More recently, this phrase has been used to describe the manipulative and controlling tactic used by abusers to quickly gain affection and attention before tearing down their partner.  Those employing this tactic often appear very charming in the early stages of a relationship. 

This may be a good point to mention Clare’s Law, which allows you to ascertain information about whether your partner has a history of domestic abuse behaviours.

I am going to recommend the series ‘Dirty John’ which follows the life of John Meehan and his behaviour towards women with a bit of a twist at the end (no plot spoiler here).  John employs the technique of love-bombing and his behaviour as the relationship develops is clearly abusive, but I find it interesting that he is usually referred to as a con man rather than an abuser.  I would urge you to watch the documentary which follows the dramatisation, which is more terrifying than the drama, in my opinion. 

I confess, I did not realise that there is a second series of Dirty John until checking some details for this run down.  In the second series, they follow the life of Betty Broderick who is the abuser following the breakdown of her marriage.  Both series cover quite a range of emotionally and physically abusive behaviours from love-bombing through to murder. 

Dirty John series 2 was the first of my watch list which focuses on men as the victims of domestic abuse.  Whilst the statistics overwhelmingly show that women are more likely to suffer at the hands of an abusive partner, men can be victims too and the film I wish to highlight here is ‘Men Don’t Tell’ which was an American made-for-TV film in 1993 which rated very high but caused quite a furore following its initial broadcast.

For those who prefer a documentary, I highly recommend BBC One’s ‘Abused by my Girlfriend’ which is still available on iPlayer.  The perpetrator of the abuse was sentenced to seven and a half years in prison as the first female convicted of coercive and controlling behaviour.

Coercive and controlling behaviour

In 2015, a law was enacted which created the offence of coercive and controlling behaviour (section 76  Serious Crime Act 2015).  There is a long list of the types of behaviour which can be considered coercive and/or controlling but another shout out to the BBC here with their programme ‘Is This Coercive Control?’ from 2020 which is also still available on iPlayer.

Coercive and controlling behaviour can cover many of the behaviours you would expect from an abusive relationship such as isolation, monitoring movements, putting someone down, humiliating and degrading the other person, threatening to hurt them or their loved ones; the list goes on and on.  A recent addition to the list by the Crown Prosecution Service is love-bombing. 

Stalking

The latest series of the much-watched series ‘You’ was released in 2023. Penn Badgley plays the seemingly charming but utterly terrifying Joe Goldberg who goes to extreme measures to insert himself into the lives of women he is transfixed by.  Definitely a different watch to some of the others I have already mentioned as clearly it’s entirely fictional, but a good watch all the same.

Financial or role control

Another common theme in abusive relationships is financial control or controlling the role that a partner is able to play in a relationship.  Three films worth mentioning here are ‘Sleeping with the Enemy’ from 1991,  ‘Enough’ from 2002 and the more recent example of ‘The Wife’ in 2017 although it was set in the late 1950s.  Each of these films show the victim using various different ways to escape from their abusive relationships although none of them are ways which I would advise!

Anyone can be a victim

I have been struck over recent years by the power of the celebrity biopic film genre which all have a theme of abusive relationships, usually with a romantic partner, although not always.  One of the earliest examples which comes to mind is ‘What’s Love Got to Do With It’ from 1993 which portrays the life of Tina Turner. But there are a number of examples I could have used including the Whitney Houston biopic ‘I Wanna Dance With Somebody’.

Life after abuse

Life after leaving an abusive relationship can be challenging. My review would be incomplete without mentioning ‘Maid’ which is a short series on the life of a young mother who fights against homelessness having fled from an abusive relationship.  This is another series based on real life and not fiction.

For those who wish to educate themselves on abusive relationships, the above film and TV recommendations might just help you be an ally.  Dealing with abuse and the aftermath of being in an abusive relationship cannot be underestimated. 

If you wish to speak with one of the family lawyers in our team who specialise in domestic abuse allegations, please do not hesitate to contact us.